Adorable or Sheer Evil

Sometimes, children are adorable. They say cute things, they dance on your bed while waving your i-pod around in the air, they smile at you with their tiny little faces, they hug their stuffed hippos, and they happily make fire-engine siren noises while lying in bed for an hour every single night.

But, sometimes, they're pure and unadulterated evil. Oh yes, they're the veritable spawn of Satan.

Now, I'm not talking about normal bad behavior. You know, the saying of bad words, the pushing and shoving and general attempted fratricide, the whining, the screaming, the constant "I'm gonna puke!" threats whenever you deign to punish them or refuse to be at their beck and call.


No, I'm talking about the death threats. The "Tab, I hate you"'s spoken in an angelic voice with an evil little smile on their face. The smug little looks of "hah, I hate you and I'm absolutely letting you know that you, my dear cousin/sister, are complete and utter garbage."

And after two months, it was royally starting to piss me off.

So, I took measures into my own hands and came up with an incredibly suitable punishment.

The boys understand cause and effect really well. I inadvertently created butt-shaking monsters three years ago when I made Blue-Eyes repeatedly shaking his ass at me into a fun game in which I chased him down and smacked his tush.

So, now comes kamakazi kissing. Whenever the boys insult me, I grab them and give them an exaggerated smooch on the cheek. They (mostly my man Blue-Eyes) giggle and laugh and smile, and I declare "Man, you must really love me if you want all these kisses!" My feelings don't get hurt and the boys get attention and affection. The sheer quantity of vicious insults has gone down quite a bit, as has the severity. It seems to be working pretty well for all concerned.

Children in Need Special

I completely fail at blogging for like two entire weeks (and then fail to complete this entry for another week... bad Tabatha!)... and then I get back into the swing with... well, Dr. Who.

My favorite bits:

"Good for you, not a lot of men can carry off a decorative vegetable!"

"It really would help if there wasn't some skinny idiot ranting in my face about every single thing that happens to be in front of him!"

"Oh no, of course, you mostly went hands free, didn't you? Like 'Hey, I'm the Doctor! I can save the universe using a kettle and some string and look at me, I'm wearing a vegetable.'"

"You remembered being me, watching you, do that. You only knew what to do because I saw you do it. Wiggly wobbly. Timey wimey!"

"It was all dashing about and playing cricket and my voice going all squeaky when I shouted. I still do that! The voice thing. I got that from you!"


Wow, ok, so apparently, I've been missing Doctor Who. Goddamn Laura and Carrie and that last season of awesomeness. Also, Captain Jack is still hot. Good to know. (Not that I ever really doubted Captain Jack's supreme attractiveness, that's just unfathomable really.)

Winter Wardrobe

Well, if there was any question about which seasonal wardrobe was my favorite... opening my "winter clothes" box just answered it.

Unpacking the box, I had the follow to say (to the clothes, logically):

"Winter coat... meh, you're ugly and too big. Will need to replace you one day."

"Hey ND and UC sweatshirts, you're nice and warm, welcome to my closet."

"Pizza scarf! How are you doing!? I've missed you so much! You need a better nickname than "pizza scarf" or "disease scarf." It's not your fault you attract pizza crusts and sickness like nobody's business. No harm, I still love you."

"White fleece! Hey! And your cousin red fleece! Nice to see you, good times ahead fellas."

"Sweater-coat! Oh, sweater-coat. I love you. Man, I love you. You're kinda ratty and getting a bit old, but I don't care if you still need to be fastened with a brightly-colored paper clip, you cover my ass and keep me warm all winter. Plus, you have a hood! I shall love you forever, really."

Yeah, all of those thoughts popped into my brain. Then I thought, "My god, I'm insane". Then I thought, "Ok, yes, I am insane, and I should definitely write that shit down."

Voila.

Beware of Tears

My current goal is to try and write at least one entry every day for the next week. Many of them will probably just be quick kid anecdotes or movie reviews. We shall see. At least I have a goal.

Anyway... kid anecdote it is this morning.

So, I unfortunately learned the hard way last night that, while playing tag, I am under no circumstances allowed to tag Brown-Eyes. Because he immediately stops cold and bursts into uncontrollable tears.

Umm. What?

I know he's just a little guy and all but... I mean, he's way faster than all of us. He's like a frickin little bullet train. And was ECSTATIC to play.

Well, it turns out the former nanny's demon-spawn children conditioned him that way. Instead of tagging the first child they could reach, the little bastards would pick on the smallest and actively ambush and target the little guy. Man, I hate those boys. Luckily, the nanny (the same one who was reprimanded for allowing 4 and 6yr olds to play "Halo") was recently fired. She was told it was for "financial reasons" but it was mostly for a general and persistent apathy.

Yeah, Blue-Eyes had to explain, in a "duh, Tab" voice that his little brother can't be tagged. It was a pretty cute "big brother" moment on his part. Especially since he said it in a sort of protective matter-of-fact way and not with the annoyed "my brother is such a loser" undertones you'd expect. Go Blue-Eyes. Even if he is insisting on calling me "Tabby" at the moment to annoy me (the little demon spawn).