Some Good Old Fashioned Mocking.

I spent a solid ten minutes today laughing uncontrollably and mocking my dog, who got herself stuck wrapped around a bush and had to bark for assistance.

My favorite part of the whole debacle is the irony. See, she couldn't have reached that bush and gotten herself trapped if she hadn't first broken free and pulled the stake that her leash is attached to out of the ground.

This is the first time I've found her trapped in a bush. Usually she gets stuck in the retaining wall blocks stacked up against our house. That scenario has the added hilarity bonus of finding her trapped while precariously sitting over a foot in the air on blocks.

Oh, silly Pepper. Bushes aren't for dogs.

Crazy Stalkers and Flame Engulfed Pianos, Oh My!

Oh, I am so thankful "One Tree Hill" is back on air in all of it's crazy glory.

It's stalker time again! It's been a whole two seasons since OTH has had an obsessive stalker! And this one? This one is a mental patient off her lithium meds who happens to be identical in appearance to a character's dead wife (because they're played by the same actress, naturally). And she was last seen stealing his wedding video and re-enacting it on her sofa. Heehee, oh the soapy goodness.




Oh, and did you know that depression could lead you to accidentally spill your martini on your piano but then intentionally set fire to it with the lit candles you keep on top of said piano while you're playing it? Well, then this public service announcement was for you. Now you know.

A Little More Dialogue To Tide You Over

Not to be outdone in the ridiculous quote department by my sister, here are some gems from my littlest brother that I found in my unpublished drafts:

-Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooom! Can. I. Have. Some. More. ChocolateMilk. PLEASE?!?
-No.
-I won't puke! I PROMISE!
-No.
-Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooom!
-No.

-**knock** Is somebody in there?!
-Yes! I'll be out in a minute.
**silence**
-DO NOT GET NAKED IN THE HALLWAY!
**silence**
-DO NOT!
-I'm not!
- (yeah right)

Makeover!

Well, this sadly neglected blog has a gotten a much needed makeover.

It's so red and pretty now!!! Yay!

I've also gone back and properly labeled posts so that it's easier to find things. My favorite labels are "This Here Post Is Mostly Video" and "Yes I'm a Crazy Person." Now all of the other labels need clever titles to match... which is so not happening. Got any suggestions?

There are still some tweeks to be made but now I'm in the process of working on new content to make the makeover worth the effort. I'm trying! Posts by the end of the week on ice cream and hip hop dancing! I PROMISE this time.

Oh, and I've been getting some anonymous posting recently, so if you've stumbled here from somewhere else I've been writing or from the internet at large, feel free to say hello! All are welcome.

Helping Around the House

When I help around the house, it usually involves mopping the kitchen floor, sorting the kids' toy room, and shampooing the carpets.

When my sister helps out around the house, the following sentences tend to come out of her mouth:

"Dammit, I need a chain saw."

"I don't want to destroy it! I want to put it in a glass box and look at it!"

"Well, the carburetor needs to be taken out and dusted off."

"I can make it flat. I just need a shovel."

"The whole point of working out here today is to get a tan, so I'm not worried about getting out of the sun."

"I moved a few till I founds lots of bugs. Then I got grossed out and ran away,"

Boy, has it been an adventure-filled day.

Conversations

Two recent conversations with my sister.

Me: I got a giant bag of books! I even got some for you!
Her: What? (sighs audibly) What the f*** kind of book did you get me?
Me: Eclipse, the third Twilight book.
Her: Oh, sweet!

Me: I have sexy hair today! Look!
Her: How'd you get it all curly on the bottom?
Me: I left it tied up in a knot at the back of my neck all day yesterday.
Her: Eww, you didn't wash your hair today?
Me: I only wash my hair about two or three times a week.
Her: Eww, that's gross.
Me: No, it's not. Any professional hairdresser will tell you it's better to not shampoo your hair every day.
Her: Ugh.
Me: And anyway, how is this shocking? You knew this already! I've been doing this for the last 15 years! Fifteen years!
Her: Ugh.

Baby, are you down down down down down?

Last video post before I start writing about vampires and reality tv and bad movies I saw in the theater recently, I swear:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEdVfyt-mLw

I'm a big fan of joyful goofy dancing. And boy does this deliver. I also really love how many different people/departments they got to participate in the video. I see doctors, nurses, cleaning staff, kitchen staff, secretaries, and even some barristas. And the elderly janitor steals the show.

Gonna take a walk outside today...

Man, Milo & Otis was one of my favorite movies as a kid. And it's still awesome.

Goddamn you, fictional Britta.

Well, there was a clear winner to yesterday's "which is a worse brain worm?" question.

"Getting rid of Britta was the hardest thing to do. But when someone's a bitch and a liar there ain't nothin' left to woo..."

"Britta's a B! (Not a C.) Brita's a B!"

Jesus Christ, so catchy. Can't get it out of my damn brain.

Brain Poison for Everyone!

Because I happened to fortuitously be watching this when A. sent me a horrible text message designed to put pure evil into my brain, I dedicate it to her.

Congrats, you're a G.D.B.




While you're watching horribly catchy ditties from the past week of television, here's Taylor Swift being cute/hilarious on SNL:




I'm not entirely sure which one is harder to get out of my head, "I'm getting rid of Brita... she's a G.D.B!" or "I like writing songs about douchebags who cheat on me." But luckily, both thwart the intent of the text-message of awfulness that was sent to me:


Keyword Search: SYTYCD and Battlefield


Which song is now stuck in your head?!?

I Ain't Sayin' She's a Coal Digger...

My favorite new show of the year is easily "Modern Family." It's sweet and yet hilariously funny at the same time.

If you haven't seen it yet, you should. I liked the pilot, as well as every episode since, but the most recent two episodes were particularly great.

From last week: "There's a fish in nature that swims around with its babies in its mouth. That fish would look at Mitchell's relationship with his mother and say 'that's messed up.'"

From this past week: "What’s weird is that her kid wears aftershave and dresses like a count."

Non-Rhetorical Bitchslapping!

"One Tree Hill" has never been one to shy away from good old fashioned fisticuffs. But the bitch-slapping? It's awesomely out of control.

In honor of a recent episode where Brooke got to hilariously say "Does Brooke Davis need to slap-a-bitch?" and Haley got arrested for assault, I present you with the two best bitch-slaps to ever grace "One Tree Hill."


First, we have my personal favorite. It's got a bunch of One Tree Hill staples in it. Brooke is vulnerable and emotional and just all-around awesome while calling bullshit when she sees it. Peyton's being even whinier and more annoying than usual. And then there's bonus insufferable and condescending Lucas to cap things off!





And next we have a very pregnant Haley venting her righteous fury. What's best about this slap, though, is that it's just the beginning of a slippery slope of violence for Haley. The next step, of course, involving going to your son's elementary school, calling the mom of the kid who is bullying him a Bitch, and then punching her in the face. And let's not forget the aforementioned assault that landed her in the slammer recently.

Haley! You're a big ole nerd! You should know better! It's just not a good idea to bitch-slap the pregnant woman claiming to be carrying your NBA star husband's offspring. Especially if she purposefully baits you. Because you know that bitch has the paparazzi staked out behind your car.

The Crazy Awesome That Is One Tree Hill

In the last year, I have developed a quite severe addiction to the superbly ridiculous prime-time soap "One Tree Hill." And it's been on my mind lately, so there are a lot of posts on the subject coming your way. (Including one entirely about non-rhetorical bitchslaps) So, here's a bit of a primer to the crazy awesome that is "One Tree Hill."

See, I enjoy it because I know, going into it that it's super ridiculous.

The first four seasons follow the so-called teens (most of the actors were well into their twenties when the show started AGES ago) through their junior and senior years of high-school. Then there was a 4-year gap for college (flashbacked to for the more major characters in the 5th season premiere). And then subsequent seasons (the seventh is currently airing) pick up from there.

I haven't seen the first two seasons in their entirety. Mostly because they involve a lot of bed-hopping and constant teen romance upheaval, which can get old real fast. And the show still thought Chad Michael Murray's Lucas was the main character. And I hate Lucas. Lucas sucks, big time.

Season three? Is easily my favorite. A main character gets murdered in cold blood by another main character! And one of the girls manages to spend the year finding out she was adopted, watching her bio-parent die of cancer, getting shot in a school shooting and nearly bleeding to death in the library, having a crazy psycho stalker pose as a fake long-lost half brother and still having room for an entire plot-line involving dating Pete Wentz from Fallout Boy (obviously before he knocked up and married Ashley Simpson). In one season!! And that's just one character, out of approximately ten. And that wasn't her entire storyline ether. Just the highlights.

Heh.

SOAP!!

And there's a crazy rich girl who apparently used to be fat before her Daddy had her entire body surgically altered into that of a skinny model all before the age of 16! I shit you not! Actual plot!

And the two 16 yr-olds who get MARRIED and spend one whole year working on repairing their MARRIAGE and another season fixing high-school sports games in order to support their family and trying to give a valedictorian speech without going into labor.

Oh! Oh! And the crazy psycho nanny! With her crazy house of torture located smacked dab next to a cornfield!

Heh. So much crazy. So much to love.

The Week In TV

The fall television season has barely started. But I've been working on my Christmas knitting and needed some background noise so I watched a helluva lot of CW trash tv this week. And most of it was BORING.

One Tree Hill: Ugh, so BORING. This is an infinitely ridiculous over-the-top soap opera of a show and was my guilty pleasure of choice last year. This premiere was lame. Nothing happened. And Haley's outfits were just awful. They need another psycho stalker to come in and spice things up.

Gossip Girl: I took a break from this show last year because it stopped being awesome. This was not a return to form. Chuck and Blair were stupid and gross. Vanessa was her usual self-righteous self. Serena did stupid crap and lied about it for stupid reasons, and had sex with a tool. Again! And it was all incredibly BORING.

The Rachel Zoe Project: Something that wasn't boring. It wasn't riveting or anything and it lacked my favorite part of the series, which involves the dressing of actual celebrities, but Rachel's husband is the best reality show husband ever. He's all realistic, supportive, and obviously loves his wife. Even if she takes forever to get dressed and isn't great at sticking to his "no shopping" decree.

Melrose Place: Guess what? Also BORING. Well, except Katie Cassidy's publicist character. Jealousy? Boring. Prostituting to get through med school? Boring. Larceny? Boring. Sex-ing one's self up to get a job? Boring. Birth-Momma drama? Boring. Not killing your landlady even though she totally had it coming? Extremely Boring.

The Beautiful Life: Models? Turns out they're not that interesting. But, this show overall wasn't bad. Dumb, but bland. I actually like the lead actress and Mischa Barton's character. I know, Mischa Barton! Who was so unbelievably awful on "The O.C." I can't really believe it either.

Supernatural: Heh, "God God, Y'all!" Excellent title. And Ellen Harville! Wee! And Dean Winchester actually using his brains for once, yay! I love Supernatural.

Ace of Cakes: Um, they made cakes? I think I've been watching too much of this show and am starting to burn out. But they have been featuring Ben a lot recently and I am loving him. (Not as much as I love Geoff, of course, but loving nonetheless.)

Project Runway: Oh, Tim Gunn. "I'm woeful, Johnny!" Loved the outfits and challenge. Didn't really care for the ramped up drama. Loved the Tim Gunn. Even more so than usual.

Fringe: It feels like J.J. Abrams has found his footing and I'm excited to go along for the ride. "Is he really crazy?" "Oh, definitely." The only problem with this is it shares a timeslot with both Supernatural and Grey's Anatomy, so it automatically gets the Hulu watch the next morning.

America's Best Dance Crew: The Madonna performance was lame. The N'SYNC one was phenomenally awesome. The Afroborike performance was skanky (as usual). And I skipped the last one because it involved Chris Brown.



How proud of myself am I for actually finishing and publishing this before the next tv week starts? So damn proud.

Next week's potential highlights: HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm excited.

An amusing passage I marked when I was rereading Terry Pratchet's "Jingo" a month or so ago :

She took the very small book from Carrot and glanced through it. She sighed.
"Carrot, these disguises are meant for a potato."
"Are they?"
"Look, they're all on potatoes, see?"
"I thought that was just for display."
"Carrot, it's got 'Mr. Spuddy Face' on it."
Behind his thick black mustache Carrot looked hurt and perplexed. "What does a potato want a disguise for?" he said.