The dark side of Matt Damon...

I've been writing blog entries! I have! I've got ten half-written blog entries queued up and idea after idea in the pipe-line. Unfortunately, I can't finish any REAL (this entry being unreal of course) entries because I just haven't got the time.

Because I'm reading Frederica and can't put it down! Can't! Not since the big lovable dog went rampaging about the park chasing cows! And now there's been a balloon accident!

Yeah... I'll explain later. For now, I bring you three hilarious Matt Damon clips.

First, Matt Damon brilliantly makes fun of Matthew McConaughey, who I cannot fucking stand. Right now, he's sitting on the bench next to Carey Elwes. The bench, of course, being for actors that most people don't feel very strongly about but that I just cannot fucking stand.

And here's Damon doing a pretty fantastic spoof of his infamous "Eurotrip" cameo. I usually can't stand Sarah Silverman in the slightest, but she gets a pass for this one.

And, here's the famous "Eurotrip" clip. For those uninitiated, affable Scott just got dumped by his seemingly perfect girlfriend that morning at his graduation. Rocking out ensues.

Book Review: Recent Reads #3

Title: Seeing Me Naked
Author: Liza Palmer
Genre: Chick Lit

Why I Picked It Up: Meg Cabot liked it. I picked it up in the bookstore and it didn't look shitty.

Context: I haven't really been into chick lit in a while. I pretty much got sick of the vapid twenty-something bimbo heroines who don't manage to get their shit together till the end of the novel once I started reading awesome romance novels about strong thirty-something women who find nice men and have fun adventures (and sex).

Basic Plot: Elizabeth is a somewhat trendy pastry chef with a father and brother (who is awesomely named Rascal and who looks and acts exactly like Jeremy Darling from Dirty Sexy Money inside my head) who are famous authors. She's a workaholic, has a some-what dysfunctional long-term on-again-off-again relationship with a globe-trotting journalist, and is starting to think about making serious changes to her life.

Review: I liked it. And I really didn't think I was going to.

I liked the heroine. I especially liked the complicated interactions she had with her family members (especially Rascal). And I liked sitting around watching her think things through and figure her life and promising new relationship with a cute basketball coach.

It was a nice, sweet book and it made me smile.


Superficial Assessments:
Title: Terrible. And really not very appropriate. I can see how it's connected and all... but no. Bad title.
Cover: So-so. I like the color. I especially like that it's not pink and doesn't have shoes on it (If the damn book's not about shoes... I don't want to see shoes on the damn cover!). The picture is unique and kind of interesting, but also kind of strange and odd.

Book Review: Recent Reads #2

Title: Thief of Time
Author: Terry Pratchett

Context: Thief of Time is my thirteenth venture into Terry Pratchett's Discworld Novels. I've read all of the "Watch" series, all of the Tiffany Aching books (Wee Free Men... etc), one of the Witches books, and Going Postal. So, you could say I've hopped around a bit. I tend to prefer Pratchett's later work, and the later three "Watch" books in particular.

Why I Picked it Up: This particular title wasn't recommended especially to me by anyone, but Jennifer Crusie loves Susan Sto-Helit, Dee Dee loves Death, Laura and Carrie love The Hogfather, and I loved Lu Tze and the History Monks in Night Watch. So, I picked it up on a whim.

Basic Plot: The Auditors (previous villains in the Death books who keep trying to destroy the world in order to clean it up and make it all neat and orderly) are trying to end everything by stopping time. The History Monks, a young-yet-promising apprentice, an old Sweeper, Death, and Death's reluctant adoptive grand-daughter Susan are thrown in the mix. Well the monks are investigating and Susan isn't thrown as much as "poked a little." And Death is busy attempting to rally the reluctant horseman of the apocalypse for a ride.

Random Thoughts:
(Yeah, Discworld books are really difficult for me to review, so I'm basically going to just stand over here and jump up and down and point excitedly at particular bits I liked.)

Hee. Fun. Very fun. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

"Dojo! What is rule one?!"
"Do not act incautiously when confronting a little bald wrinkly smiling man!"

Hee, excellent rule.

Death is kinda cool, Susan's pretty kick-ass but a little dull (even if she looks exactly like Dee in my brain), I liked the horsemen of the apocalypse, and death by chocolate is a great way to go.

Lu-Tze is awesome! I love that little bald man!

Also, yetis are really fucking cool.


Last thoughts: I really am going to read The Hogfather. I swear.

Moive Review: CLoverfield (Sorta... Not Really, No)

Public Service Announcement: Watching Cloverfield may cause nausea, dizziness, and vomiting...

Or not. It wasn't necessarily the movie's entire fault. I had just finished a ridiculously stressful work shift, am suffering from "improper draining of fluid" in my right ear along with my own personal upper respiratory infection, and had managed to drink an entire soda and consume half a box of Buncha-Crunch during the previews.

And it really was my own fault for not glancing at a single review for the film. I mean, I would have seen "Blair Witch" comparisons, gone "Shaky Cam! Fuck no!" and ran the other way.

But I didn't.

So Coverfield wins the honor of being the very first film I ever walked out on in a theatre. With walking of course being a euphemism for stumbling away hunched over and trying not to vomit till I could reach the bathroom. Yeah, I made it ten minutes or so into the film before having to rush out in a fit of dizziness and nausea and I then managed to make it a whole five minutes or so through before making my sister and her boyfriend take me home.

Luckily, my sister and I have been getting along fantastically lately (surprising no one more than the two of us), and her man Greg was totally fine with leaving. He was even all "I feel you, Tab, I was getting dizzy too. I think you need to be a teeny-bopper like Vicki to be able to follow that shit." To which my sister responded with a glare that he met with "What? You know you love Tiger Beat!"

So, not so terrible times. Except for the vomit.

So, here's a quick recount of the 80 books I can actually remember reading last year:

Series:
Meg Cabot's Princess Diaries (7 books)
Meg Cabot's Mediator Series (6 books)
Meg Cabot's Heather Wells Mysteries (3 books)
Susan Elizabeth Phillips' Chicago Stars Series (7 books)
Jim Butcher's Dresden Files (9 books)
Terry Pratchett's Discworld (10 books)
Shanna Swendson's Katie Chandler books (3 books)

I also read 16 other assorted romance novels, 9 sci-fi/fantasy, 4 chick lit, 5 Meg Cabot books not already categorized, and Sherman Alexie's Flight.

Yeah, that last one's pretty much an oddball. I really jumped hard on the romance/YA band wagon last year. Man.

I don't expect to read nearly as many novels in this new year. Mostly because I got lucky last year and stumbled head-first into a number of awesome previously-established series with a backlog of stuff for me to get acquainted with.

Irregardless, I'm going to try and post reviews and "series overviews" for the stuff I read last year in addition to every book I read this ¥ear (which I've already started with the previous Big Boned entry). The rationale behind all the book posts is that I'd like to have a record somewhere of my initial take and that I suck at reviews in general and need to practice. Ah, discipline. Bring it on, bitches.

Book Review: Recent Reads #1

Title: Big Boned
Author: Meg Cabot


Context: It's the third entry in Cabot's "Heather Wells Mysteries" series about a moderately chubby former pop star who works at a NY dorm with an alarmingly high death rate.


Review: Meh. I really wanted to like it. I mean, Heather Wells is easily my favorite of Meg Cabot's many heroines. She's grounded and funny and kicks ass.

This novel? Didn't kick enough ass.

It was boring in a lot of places, the central murder mystery was ridiculously unengaging, the resolution was predictable and (again) boring, Heathers graduate student was a gigantic pain-in-the ass, and the ridiculous amounts of coupledom were annoying (saved at one point by Heather hilariously commenting on it... but only to a point).

Overall, it just seemed like Cabot ran out of steam and got on board the derivative train. That sometimes happens with later entries in a Cabot series, though. She's said she recently thought up a plot for a fourth book (after previously stating that this would be the last one because she'd run out of Heather Wells story ideas) so hopefully she's thought up something new.

Worth Reading? Once, yes. As a library rental. Because Heather Wells is still awesome. Either way, I'd definitely recommend the first two novels ("Size 12 is Not Fat" and "Size 14 is Not Fat Either), because they fucking rock. Even though they have ridiculously stupid titles (and really fugly covers).

Introducing Pepper

Say hello to...

Pepper!



The newest addition to this overstuffed household.

She's a blue heeler (also known as an Australian cattle dog), and it's the same breed our other dog, Holly, is.

She's nice and docile and quiet. Except around Brown-Eyes, who keeps trying to choke her. I think he likes being able to beat someone in the house up. Well, I bet she bites him before the week's out, and he'll more than deserve it.





Aww, look at that face.

Mama Mia!

I haven't really liked a musical that was made in the last forty years or so. I mean, I fucking hated Grease, really didn't care for Hairspray at all... Moulin Rouge and Chicago were dramas, which really don't appeal to me at all.

Yeah, not really a fan.

I want to see this movie so badly! So badly!





Abba! Meryl Streep dancing and singing in overalls! Lily Kane!

It just looks pretty and sweet and funny and awesome.

Want to see, so badly.

And now, "Mama Mia" will be in your heads all week too! Hah!

Oh, musics...

I was trying to describe the types of music I like the other day and completely and utterly failed. "Umm, I don't like rap... I'm sorta into folky indie rock... um, like Wilco! You don't know who Wilco is? Well, crap... um, I did really like that latest Nelly Furtado album... and Bruce Springsteen... I just love him... yeah, I know he's old."

Really, conversation went nowhere. And I'm perfectly aware that my inability to communicate like an intelligent human being was the primary cause. Irregardless, my taste in music is still pretty difficult to describe. So, "like" and "don't like" lists it is!

I tend to like: soft edges, pretty and/or soothing vocals, funky lyrics, horn parts I can sing along too (and I ALLWAYS do), hooks, and lyrics I can sing along to

I tend not to like: extensive instrumentals, discordant and or harsh sounds of any kind really, whining, and emotionally cloying garbage

Those lists should be much longer. One day, they probably will be, that's just all I could think of at the moment.

Same as it ever was.

Number of mailboxes and I nearly took out on my way home: 3.

Number of mailboxes I actually hit on my way home: 0.

Woo.

Yup, we got our first snow of the year, today. And, this being my third winter driving in snow... I still pretty much suck at it. Although I still have not gotten into an accident of any sort, although I really should have a few times.

Stupid things I've done in the past in the snow: Spun my car around ninety degrees on a traffic-filled road/bridge (twice, actually), got my car stuck in my parking space and "bumped" one of my neighbor's cars, got my car so stuck in my parking space (by stupidly attempting to turn the wheel instead of backing out straight) that the cute handyman who was trying to plow around me took pity, climbed in, and backed my car out himself, got stuck on an ice patch on a hill at the Target and had to have the three drivers behind me push me up it, and kind of maybe swerved and drove a little bit into a field.

And those were only the ones I could think of on the top of my head.

And Pennsylvania? Yeah, we have hills. Hills are new. I've pretty much gotten the hang of going slow and shifting down into my lowest gear to get through heavy snow. Hills, though? Fuck. And it's really not possible to get from work to my house without going up a hill. A rather large one too. Oh, and then down one once I do get there. (From now on, I'm definitely avoiding roads with the word "Hills" in the name when there's ice).

Ah yes. I was in the home stretch today, got to our driveway, slid right past it, nearly took out the minister's mailbox next door, and successfully skidded my way into the lower drive. (I usually park on an incline on the grass, perpendicular to the main driveway). I have now claimed the lower drive as my snow space. The rest of the traffic coming in and out of this house can suck it.


Adventures in snow. Same as they ever are, really.

It can't just be me, right? Movies suck this year, right?

Last year, I saw forty-two theatrically-released movies. Forty-two!

(With last year's ratings, the only things I would change with a year's hindsight is that Rocky Balboa would be in the "liked" category and Step Up would most definitely be in the LOVE category. Rocky Balboa is a good film and a ridiculously excellent way to cap off the whole Rocky saga, but it just doesn't stand as well alone, when you haven't just watched a Rocky marathon. And man, Step Up just gets better every time I watch it. I love that silly dance movie so much. So much.)


This year? Twenty-five. And I only loved five of them.

Stomp the Yard
Catch and Release
Smokin' Aces
Music and Lyrics
Black Snake Moan
Hot Fuzz
Waitress
28 Weeks Later
Georgia Rule
Knocked Up
Live Free or Die Hard
Transformers
Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix
Bourne Ultimatum
Stardust
The Nanny Diaries
3:10 to Yuma
Dan in Real Life
American Gangster


Rentals/Dollar Theater Picks:

Happily N'ever After (Why I saw this at the dollar theater with Chris, I have no idea)
Because I Said So (Terrible, awful, romantic comedy rental)
Breach (Vince rental. Not bad, just kinda lackluster.)
Premonition (Truly terrible airplane movie.)
Grindhouse (1/2) (Watched with Dee at AJ's... zombie gore movies just aren't my thing)
Ocean's Thirteen (Meh, not a big fan of the heist movie genre)
The Namesake (Just rented a few days ago and quite liked)


Ok, this entry is finished! More on movies later!

Adorable or Sheer Evil

Sometimes, children are adorable. They say cute things, they dance on your bed while waving your i-pod around in the air, they smile at you with their tiny little faces, they hug their stuffed hippos, and they happily make fire-engine siren noises while lying in bed for an hour every single night.

But, sometimes, they're pure and unadulterated evil. Oh yes, they're the veritable spawn of Satan.

Now, I'm not talking about normal bad behavior. You know, the saying of bad words, the pushing and shoving and general attempted fratricide, the whining, the screaming, the constant "I'm gonna puke!" threats whenever you deign to punish them or refuse to be at their beck and call.


No, I'm talking about the death threats. The "Tab, I hate you"'s spoken in an angelic voice with an evil little smile on their face. The smug little looks of "hah, I hate you and I'm absolutely letting you know that you, my dear cousin/sister, are complete and utter garbage."

And after two months, it was royally starting to piss me off.

So, I took measures into my own hands and came up with an incredibly suitable punishment.

The boys understand cause and effect really well. I inadvertently created butt-shaking monsters three years ago when I made Blue-Eyes repeatedly shaking his ass at me into a fun game in which I chased him down and smacked his tush.

So, now comes kamakazi kissing. Whenever the boys insult me, I grab them and give them an exaggerated smooch on the cheek. They (mostly my man Blue-Eyes) giggle and laugh and smile, and I declare "Man, you must really love me if you want all these kisses!" My feelings don't get hurt and the boys get attention and affection. The sheer quantity of vicious insults has gone down quite a bit, as has the severity. It seems to be working pretty well for all concerned.

Children in Need Special

I completely fail at blogging for like two entire weeks (and then fail to complete this entry for another week... bad Tabatha!)... and then I get back into the swing with... well, Dr. Who.

My favorite bits:

"Good for you, not a lot of men can carry off a decorative vegetable!"

"It really would help if there wasn't some skinny idiot ranting in my face about every single thing that happens to be in front of him!"

"Oh no, of course, you mostly went hands free, didn't you? Like 'Hey, I'm the Doctor! I can save the universe using a kettle and some string and look at me, I'm wearing a vegetable.'"

"You remembered being me, watching you, do that. You only knew what to do because I saw you do it. Wiggly wobbly. Timey wimey!"

"It was all dashing about and playing cricket and my voice going all squeaky when I shouted. I still do that! The voice thing. I got that from you!"


Wow, ok, so apparently, I've been missing Doctor Who. Goddamn Laura and Carrie and that last season of awesomeness. Also, Captain Jack is still hot. Good to know. (Not that I ever really doubted Captain Jack's supreme attractiveness, that's just unfathomable really.)

Winter Wardrobe

Well, if there was any question about which seasonal wardrobe was my favorite... opening my "winter clothes" box just answered it.

Unpacking the box, I had the follow to say (to the clothes, logically):

"Winter coat... meh, you're ugly and too big. Will need to replace you one day."

"Hey ND and UC sweatshirts, you're nice and warm, welcome to my closet."

"Pizza scarf! How are you doing!? I've missed you so much! You need a better nickname than "pizza scarf" or "disease scarf." It's not your fault you attract pizza crusts and sickness like nobody's business. No harm, I still love you."

"White fleece! Hey! And your cousin red fleece! Nice to see you, good times ahead fellas."

"Sweater-coat! Oh, sweater-coat. I love you. Man, I love you. You're kinda ratty and getting a bit old, but I don't care if you still need to be fastened with a brightly-colored paper clip, you cover my ass and keep me warm all winter. Plus, you have a hood! I shall love you forever, really."

Yeah, all of those thoughts popped into my brain. Then I thought, "My god, I'm insane". Then I thought, "Ok, yes, I am insane, and I should definitely write that shit down."

Voila.

Beware of Tears

My current goal is to try and write at least one entry every day for the next week. Many of them will probably just be quick kid anecdotes or movie reviews. We shall see. At least I have a goal.

Anyway... kid anecdote it is this morning.

So, I unfortunately learned the hard way last night that, while playing tag, I am under no circumstances allowed to tag Brown-Eyes. Because he immediately stops cold and bursts into uncontrollable tears.

Umm. What?

I know he's just a little guy and all but... I mean, he's way faster than all of us. He's like a frickin little bullet train. And was ECSTATIC to play.

Well, it turns out the former nanny's demon-spawn children conditioned him that way. Instead of tagging the first child they could reach, the little bastards would pick on the smallest and actively ambush and target the little guy. Man, I hate those boys. Luckily, the nanny (the same one who was reprimanded for allowing 4 and 6yr olds to play "Halo") was recently fired. She was told it was for "financial reasons" but it was mostly for a general and persistent apathy.

Yeah, Blue-Eyes had to explain, in a "duh, Tab" voice that his little brother can't be tagged. It was a pretty cute "big brother" moment on his part. Especially since he said it in a sort of protective matter-of-fact way and not with the annoyed "my brother is such a loser" undertones you'd expect. Go Blue-Eyes. Even if he is insisting on calling me "Tabby" at the moment to annoy me (the little demon spawn).