A Little Naked Pool To Soothe The Soul

Had a really tense and awful day on the back of weeks of tenseness and worry.

The bright spot of my day? This:












Community. Funniest comedy on television at the moment. Hands down.

Yet Another Guilty Pleasure

Just what I needed in my life. Another guilty pleasure.

I have an unjustifiable fondness for "candid" or "day-in-the-life" reality shows.

Yeah, I admitted to it.

You would think, after falling madly in love with shows called One Tree Hill and The Vampire Diaries (though that one is getting an entire post on why it's actually balls-to-the-wall fabulous and not a guilty pleasure at all), there would be little to be embarrassed by. Oh, how you'd be wrong.

I have watched two entire seasons of The Real Housewives of New York City, the entire first season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, every episode of Kendra, a slew of episodes of The Girls Next Door, the entire Rachel Zoe Project, and most of the last season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

Pheww. I admitted it out loud, and it's ok.

They're not the worst the genre has to offer, but there's only occasional redeeming moments to most of them (and none at all to RHONJ). A couple of points in their favor: I love Bethenny Frankel and Kendra Wilkinson. They're both incredibly entertaining and seem genuine. I got to see a woman scream "Prostitution Whore!" and throw a table on RHONJ. Kendra and Rachel Zoe have the two most supportive and loving husbands on reality television. And the Kardashians brought a surprisingly emotional and touching episode involving the birth of Kourtney Kardashian's son. I will never forget watching her reach down and literally pull him out of her body by his shoulders. It needs to be seen to be believed.


So, what brought on this post? Well, I spent $1.99 on itunes today and purchased the latest episode of Bethenny Gettign Married?, the new spin-off to RHONY. And I did not regret a penny of it.


Ok, it's bedtime now because I've recently discovered that if I go to bed before midnight, then I don't wake up in the morning from crazy-ass nightmares. More on why Bethenny Getting Married? is actually an awesome show tomorrow.

Apparently, Jesus Walks

I woke up this morning with Kanye West rapping Jesus Walks in my head for no apparent reason that I can discern. (I also woke from yet another dream in which I was being pursued by a serial killer).

And then it continued. All. Damn. Day.

So, in an effort to get the earworm out of my brain... I pulled the song up on my ipod. And after it was done, Jesus Wrote A Blank Check by Cake started to play and, being a moron, my first thought was "Gosh, my ipod's found religion" and then my second, far more reasonable thought, was "...or I've got the shuffle feature turned off."

Want to know exactly how many songs starting with "Jesus" I have on my ipod? Three.

The best, and last to play, was Wilco's Jesus, Etc. I love singing that song.

So, how religious is your ipod?

Some Good Old Fashioned Mocking.

I spent a solid ten minutes today laughing uncontrollably and mocking my dog, who got herself stuck wrapped around a bush and had to bark for assistance.

My favorite part of the whole debacle is the irony. See, she couldn't have reached that bush and gotten herself trapped if she hadn't first broken free and pulled the stake that her leash is attached to out of the ground.

This is the first time I've found her trapped in a bush. Usually she gets stuck in the retaining wall blocks stacked up against our house. That scenario has the added hilarity bonus of finding her trapped while precariously sitting over a foot in the air on blocks.

Oh, silly Pepper. Bushes aren't for dogs.

Crazy Stalkers and Flame Engulfed Pianos, Oh My!

Oh, I am so thankful "One Tree Hill" is back on air in all of it's crazy glory.

It's stalker time again! It's been a whole two seasons since OTH has had an obsessive stalker! And this one? This one is a mental patient off her lithium meds who happens to be identical in appearance to a character's dead wife (because they're played by the same actress, naturally). And she was last seen stealing his wedding video and re-enacting it on her sofa. Heehee, oh the soapy goodness.




Oh, and did you know that depression could lead you to accidentally spill your martini on your piano but then intentionally set fire to it with the lit candles you keep on top of said piano while you're playing it? Well, then this public service announcement was for you. Now you know.

A Little More Dialogue To Tide You Over

Not to be outdone in the ridiculous quote department by my sister, here are some gems from my littlest brother that I found in my unpublished drafts:

-Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooom! Can. I. Have. Some. More. ChocolateMilk. PLEASE?!?
-No.
-I won't puke! I PROMISE!
-No.
-Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooom!
-No.

-**knock** Is somebody in there?!
-Yes! I'll be out in a minute.
**silence**
-DO NOT GET NAKED IN THE HALLWAY!
**silence**
-DO NOT!
-I'm not!
- (yeah right)

Makeover!

Well, this sadly neglected blog has a gotten a much needed makeover.

It's so red and pretty now!!! Yay!

I've also gone back and properly labeled posts so that it's easier to find things. My favorite labels are "This Here Post Is Mostly Video" and "Yes I'm a Crazy Person." Now all of the other labels need clever titles to match... which is so not happening. Got any suggestions?

There are still some tweeks to be made but now I'm in the process of working on new content to make the makeover worth the effort. I'm trying! Posts by the end of the week on ice cream and hip hop dancing! I PROMISE this time.

Oh, and I've been getting some anonymous posting recently, so if you've stumbled here from somewhere else I've been writing or from the internet at large, feel free to say hello! All are welcome.

Helping Around the House

When I help around the house, it usually involves mopping the kitchen floor, sorting the kids' toy room, and shampooing the carpets.

When my sister helps out around the house, the following sentences tend to come out of her mouth:

"Dammit, I need a chain saw."

"I don't want to destroy it! I want to put it in a glass box and look at it!"

"Well, the carburetor needs to be taken out and dusted off."

"I can make it flat. I just need a shovel."

"The whole point of working out here today is to get a tan, so I'm not worried about getting out of the sun."

"I moved a few till I founds lots of bugs. Then I got grossed out and ran away,"

Boy, has it been an adventure-filled day.

Conversations

Two recent conversations with my sister.

Me: I got a giant bag of books! I even got some for you!
Her: What? (sighs audibly) What the f*** kind of book did you get me?
Me: Eclipse, the third Twilight book.
Her: Oh, sweet!

Me: I have sexy hair today! Look!
Her: How'd you get it all curly on the bottom?
Me: I left it tied up in a knot at the back of my neck all day yesterday.
Her: Eww, you didn't wash your hair today?
Me: I only wash my hair about two or three times a week.
Her: Eww, that's gross.
Me: No, it's not. Any professional hairdresser will tell you it's better to not shampoo your hair every day.
Her: Ugh.
Me: And anyway, how is this shocking? You knew this already! I've been doing this for the last 15 years! Fifteen years!
Her: Ugh.

Baby, are you down down down down down?

Last video post before I start writing about vampires and reality tv and bad movies I saw in the theater recently, I swear:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEdVfyt-mLw

I'm a big fan of joyful goofy dancing. And boy does this deliver. I also really love how many different people/departments they got to participate in the video. I see doctors, nurses, cleaning staff, kitchen staff, secretaries, and even some barristas. And the elderly janitor steals the show.

Gonna take a walk outside today...

Man, Milo & Otis was one of my favorite movies as a kid. And it's still awesome.

Goddamn you, fictional Britta.

Well, there was a clear winner to yesterday's "which is a worse brain worm?" question.

"Getting rid of Britta was the hardest thing to do. But when someone's a bitch and a liar there ain't nothin' left to woo..."

"Britta's a B! (Not a C.) Brita's a B!"

Jesus Christ, so catchy. Can't get it out of my damn brain.

Brain Poison for Everyone!

Because I happened to fortuitously be watching this when A. sent me a horrible text message designed to put pure evil into my brain, I dedicate it to her.

Congrats, you're a G.D.B.




While you're watching horribly catchy ditties from the past week of television, here's Taylor Swift being cute/hilarious on SNL:




I'm not entirely sure which one is harder to get out of my head, "I'm getting rid of Brita... she's a G.D.B!" or "I like writing songs about douchebags who cheat on me." But luckily, both thwart the intent of the text-message of awfulness that was sent to me:


Keyword Search: SYTYCD and Battlefield


Which song is now stuck in your head?!?

I Ain't Sayin' She's a Coal Digger...

My favorite new show of the year is easily "Modern Family." It's sweet and yet hilariously funny at the same time.

If you haven't seen it yet, you should. I liked the pilot, as well as every episode since, but the most recent two episodes were particularly great.

From last week: "There's a fish in nature that swims around with its babies in its mouth. That fish would look at Mitchell's relationship with his mother and say 'that's messed up.'"

From this past week: "What’s weird is that her kid wears aftershave and dresses like a count."

Non-Rhetorical Bitchslapping!

"One Tree Hill" has never been one to shy away from good old fashioned fisticuffs. But the bitch-slapping? It's awesomely out of control.

In honor of a recent episode where Brooke got to hilariously say "Does Brooke Davis need to slap-a-bitch?" and Haley got arrested for assault, I present you with the two best bitch-slaps to ever grace "One Tree Hill."


First, we have my personal favorite. It's got a bunch of One Tree Hill staples in it. Brooke is vulnerable and emotional and just all-around awesome while calling bullshit when she sees it. Peyton's being even whinier and more annoying than usual. And then there's bonus insufferable and condescending Lucas to cap things off!





And next we have a very pregnant Haley venting her righteous fury. What's best about this slap, though, is that it's just the beginning of a slippery slope of violence for Haley. The next step, of course, involving going to your son's elementary school, calling the mom of the kid who is bullying him a Bitch, and then punching her in the face. And let's not forget the aforementioned assault that landed her in the slammer recently.

Haley! You're a big ole nerd! You should know better! It's just not a good idea to bitch-slap the pregnant woman claiming to be carrying your NBA star husband's offspring. Especially if she purposefully baits you. Because you know that bitch has the paparazzi staked out behind your car.